Struggling to concieve

How to let family and friends into your fertility journey.

Wanting something you can’t control can be a painful experience, especially when you have proof that hard work and determination can help you achieve anything. Accepting the fact that this approach won’t work for your fertility can feel insurmountable. Tag that on with seeing your family and friends building their family with ease and it can all be too much to bear.

Many people going through fertility struggles tend to retreat and isolate themselves from loved ones. It is painful to feel like you are being left behind. Going from feeling like you can relate to your besties to feeling like they don’t understand and can’t give you the support you need is a difficult position to be in.

“They just don’t get it.”

“They won’t say the right thing.”

“It is easier for me to pull away than to figure out how to stay connected.”

There are so many uncomfortable thoughts and emotions on the table when managing a fertility journey while trying to stay connected to family and friends. It can feel challenging to deal with jealousy or resentment towards your sister when you love her so much or to feel disconnected from your best friend who used to be your number-one go-to person.

It can feel like everyone around you is living the life you used to have, making it hard to lean in and keep them close during this difficult time. When clients come to me wrestling with this dilemma, I can see the pain on their faces as they struggle with being the “only one” in their circle bumping up against this fight.

So, I like to ask the following question:

Are you open to working on maintaining close relationships with your family and friends, while staying true to your feelings that weigh heavy on your heart?

If yes, then here are some of my tips on how to stay connected to people around you, even if they haven’t gone through fertility struggles themselves.

Go inward first, so going outward is more manageable.

When you have a good handle on how you feel,  whether through working with a coach or a therapist, it becomes easier to communicate your situation and needs to others. Sometimes it can be difficult to connect with loved ones because you don’t know how you feel about yourself, which makes interacting with others quite daunting.  If you avoid doing the necessary work to understand your feelings, doing the work to keep your support system close will seem almost impossible.

Learning not to compare by using my casino analogy.

This is my all-time favourite analogy when comparing ourselves to others. Imagine you and your friends go to the casino and are dealt a hand of cards. Each card represents a different area of life such as career,  partner, health, fertility, or money. As the game progresses, everyone is putting down great cards! But then the fertility round starts and each of you puts down your fertility card. Unfortunately, your card sucks. You start to wonder why you got the bad card.  Maybe if you were one seat over, you would have been dealt a better one? Why did YOU have to be dealt this card and not all your other friends? These are the types of thoughts and questions that can take us out of the game.

The question I like to ask is: How are you going to play it?

The thing to remember is that in this game a new hand of cards is dealt out every round. You can’t predict which cards your friends will receive, whether they’re-  good, bad, or ugly. You won’t know why someone received a great hand one round and a terrible one in the next. The key is to play the cards you’ve been dealt to the best of your ability, and not try to assume your friend’s hands are better or worse than yours. Just because this round you got a terrible fertility card, doesn’t mean the next round your best friend would be handed out the “divorce” card… (just saying!) We really never know how the game will turn out, so it is best to stay focused on the card at hand.

Give your loved ones the benefit of the doubt and be okay with imperfect support.

Whether you believe me or not, I am here to tell you that your loved ones want to support you but often feel helpless when it comes to doing so.  If you don’t allow them in,  you won’t have the chance to experience what it feels like to be supported. That being said, it might take some time for them to learn how to best support you, so patience is key. It’s important to remember that even if they don’t get it right away, it doesn’t mean they are doing it wrong.

There is a remarkable interview between  Simon Sinek and  Steven Bartlett from Diary of CEO. Simon points out, “There are entire sections of bookshops dedicated to self-help but none dedicated to helping others, and we aren’t taught in school how to listen or the value of being a good friend. In fact it seems one of the radical acts you can do in the modern world is to live a life of service.”

Find a community that gets it, for you to take the pressure off loved ones.

I know this tip is hammered home within the fertility space, but it is for a reason. Whether through The Day 1 Membership, a support group or being connected through friends, hanging out with people experiencing fertility challenges firsthand is crucial for staying connected to your inner circle.

You might think this sounds counterintuitive, but it’s the opposite.

Having  a group within the fertility community  to connect with can relieve the pressure from your loved ones to play the role of “understanding.” This allows you to broaden your support team by having different friends and family members play different, yet important roles in supporting you through this journey.